We have had the unfortunate opportunity to practice being anti-numb. A few months ago there was a homicide in the early morning hours in the park. Instead of going on with life like nothing happened we had the urge to act and create beauty in response to the fear and horror we felt. My husband Chris decided to take out all the weeds in the front yard. This was a project we were saving for later when I had a bit more energy since I am still a new mom. However, Chris felt strongly about the project and that alone gave me the zest to help. A caveat about me is that I have never wanted to be that person who put a lot of time into a perfectly manicured yard, or anything that screams, “I need everyone else’s approval to feel good about myself.” So even though I LOVE gardening, part of me was a little paranoid about sending the wrong message, like, “Okay, this is what a front yard is supposed to look like, please notice there are no plastic flowers, fake animals, or Saint Mary’s in a bathtub shrine, go and do likewise.” But the way Chris acted was so beautiful that that message was nowhere to be found. First of all he pulled all the weeds by hand, used a pickaxe to till the soil (definitely enjoyed watching that) and mend it with manure, and to top it off we found free mulch on Craigslist, cost effective and environmentally friendly. With Lucia in tow I got to do the best part, design a drought resistant garden that fit Chris’ taste and mine. Along the way we got to know some of our neighbors and talk to them about what we were doing. They were all very appreciative of Chris’ hard work (he was sweating up a storm). My favorite comment that Chris would say is, “Something completely ghetto took place and so we need to do the opposite of that and make some beauty.” When I look at our beautifully xeri-scaped yard I not only reminisce on the time we spent together, but I also see it as a memorial of hope.
Another way that we avoided becoming numb was call upon the body of Christ. Later that week with the help of our missions pastor Dave Neuhausel, we visited the exact location of the homicide and had a time of blessing. Several leaders in different inner city ministries came alongside us to bless, cry, and stand together for the city as light and hope. It was beautiful and cathartic.
In addition, I was able to air my fears and regrets with brothers and sisters who understood and have walked where we are now. The night of the homicide, I was nursing my daughter and heard yelling and screaming coming from the park, as if a couple was having an argument. Chris woke up so I asked him if he thought I should call the police. He told me that would be a good idea, so I started looking for my phone. Half asleep and sleep deprived I realized that my phone was downstairs and that I would have to turn off the alarm to make the call. I strained my ear to see if I could still hear anything, but the voices were gone. I figured I should just try and get some sleep, and that it was probably nothing, because those screams are not all that uncommon. That morning when I woke up and learned that a body was found in the park, I was in complete shock. A multitude of emotions went through my body all at once, regret, sadness, fear, anger, and selfishness. I have no idea if there could be a connection, but it doesn’t take away the regret I hold since I did not call and ask the police to check the park. That is why the time of blessing was so much more than just a gathering and words spoken. To all of us it was a starting point for the healing process. To be able to flush that out, grieve Sean’s life and the pain and torment that now lingers with those who took the life was very hard, but very needed.
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S.E. Weaver Magnotta
I got a kick out of this shopping cart (bike locked to the clothes line post) when I was walking home from the light rail in our neighborhood! - Kirsten